Sutton funnyman is looking forward to a better pub experience after lockdown

Most of all I miss being able to visit my father.

He’s in a care home and seeing all the news about the situation in the care sector terrifies me.

I also miss smaller things.

I miss going to work, I miss driving, I miss showering on a regular basis.

I also miss going to the pub.

Thankfully, experts have been trying to devise a way that pubs could open while adhering to social distancing guidelines.

The basic rules would probably include staying two metres away from everyone else in the pub.

The problem zone will be the bar.

Normally, people crush together and desperately try to get served before their turn.

The post-Covid-19 world might finally see an end to this terrible system.

My suggestion would be to take the red rope from the VIP section (let’s be honest, the Ps in those sections aren’t really that I) and use that to create a queuing system to the bar similar to what you’d find in a post office.

We could even have a loudspeaker system that says, ‘bartender number five please’, when it’s your turn.

One of the rules the experts have suggested is to limit each drinker to three drinks.

This is like the air quality.

Somehow, this hideous virus is forcing us to live a better way.

The reason for the three-pint limit is to free up space for more drinkers once you have finished.

I thought it was going to be to stop us getting drunk.

That’s when you make your bad decisions to get closer to people that you normally wouldn’t want to go near.

Alcohol changes who you fancy. It’s the same cognitive effect that makes you find sweaty kebabs attractive.

We won’t have to worry about people getting drunk.

We’ll all be wearing face masks, so three pints in, all you’ll have is a wet chests and a thirst.

They also say that cinemas and theatres could re-open but with half empty auditoriums.

They’d have to show the new version of Cats to make sure.

Actually, showing that film might mean the cinema has no-one in it at all but we could make it half-full by asking furloughed workers to attend.

I know it’s a sacrifice but it’s either that or pick fruit for eight hours.

All of the rules will seem annoying at some point.

But I’d stick to all of them if I could get to visit my dad again.

Steve N Allen is a comedian and broadcaster who was raised in Sutton-in-Ashfield. He stars in The Mash Report on BBC2.