Sutton funnyman has finally managed to go to the pub again

Obviously, I hadn’t been to a drinking establishment in months.

I hadn’t become a paragon of temperance, I’ve still been supping beers from the supermarket, but I haven’t been to a pub and I missed it.

Don’t worry, this wasn’t some underground speak-easy, like prohibition era America, it was a local that has started doing what a lot of pubs have, selling beers to takeaway.

It was strange to have a pint of larger in cheap disposable packaging, that’s normally what the kebab comes in later.

The process was Covid-compliant, there were masks and gloves in all the right places.

One barman served from the pub door and the queue down the street was spaced out at two metres between people.

I liked that because I knew what I’d get served.

In a normal pub setting I have to stand by the bar while louder people and those with better cleavages them me get served ahead of me.

I bought two pints and some peanuts.

I only got the peanuts for the salt because the pub loos were still shut and I needed to absorb as much as that liquid as possible.

And then came the surprise – I was asked for £10.

I’d forgotten that beer is getting on for £5 a pint.

I’d been so used to supermarket prices I nearly spat my mouthful of beer out in shock, but I didn’t want to waste the 30 pence worth I had in there.

As lockdown relaxes we’ll have to get used to pay for the service and experience, not just the product.

It won’t be long after we’re let out that we may have to stay in to save money.

Till then I don’t think I’ll go back to the take-out pubs.

Instead I plan to recreate the pub experience at home.

I’ll buy my beer in the supermarkets and then, on Friday night, I’ll stand and queue for my fridge for half an hour.

When I get to the fridge door I’ll turn myself away because I have the wrong footwear on and then come back.

Eventually I’ll get my drink, I’ll get some crisps and sit on my sofa with the TV on but muted.

That way I can have no idea what’s happening on the TV but it can still distract me from having a conversation.

At the end of the night I can throw £50 away and text my ex – perfect.

Steve N Allen is a comedian who was raised in Sutton-in-Ashfield. He currently stars in The Mash Report on BBC2.