Sutton funnyman is confused as to why opening schools means closing pubs

Now we are faced with actually answering that question.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said that reopening schools is a ‘national priority’, which means other things may have to close.

The first time we heard of this ultimatum was when Prof Graham Medley from the London School of Hygiene and Topical Medicine spoke about it as an option.

I always thought the name of that academic establishment really takes a leap half way through.

School of hygiene sounds like wiping work surfaces down.

And tropical medicine? Is that parrot fever?

Many people think that school children should be back to learning for the good of society but don’t make us pick between that and having a pint.

At first, I wasn’t sure why we’d have to shut pubs to let schools open.

Is there a shortage of bouncers that are needed for both?

The UK brought in a restrictions on opening hours for pubs during the First World War to stop workers in munitions factories drinking too much.

Is that the problem with year sevens now?

While open schools would help parents cope, some of them may need the pub too – don’t make us choose.

Surely there are other types of shops that we close up again to open the schools.

Tattoo parlours are open, so if we shut those could we still have pubs open.

In fact there’s an argument to be made that you shouldn’t have pubs and tattoos open at the same time anyway.

It’ll stop people having the name of the person they’ve been dating for a week put on their back.

Shutting shops to open pubs would be a better solution and a lot of shops are already shutting on their own.

If we tally up WH Smiths, Debenhams, Pizza Express and Victoria’s Secret does it buy us a few classrooms?

I’d also nominate candle shops, I mean, do we need so many?

I haven’t had a power cut in years.

I dated someone a while back who bought many candles but never lit them.

She said she bought them for the fragrance.

If you can relate to that, try air fresheners, they’ll blow your mind.

Card shops could go too.

In age of email we don’t need to send cards and during a pandemic we shouldn’t sell anything you lick and put in the post.

I think we could close some shops before the pubs, but knowing my luck the Government will agree with me and then they’ll pick the off licences.

Steve N Allen is a comedian and broadcaster who was raised in Sutton-in-Ashfield.