Sutton comedy star knows how it feels to have a 'common name'

When I went to Priestsic Primary School I was one of four Stevens in my class and probably one of thousands in the NG postcodes.

Back then everyone was a Steve, be it Davis or Hendry, you couldn’t even win at snooker without joining the Steve club.

The list of new popular baby names has been released again.

In 2019, Oliver and Olivia have remained at the top, which shows how uncreative we are – it’s basically the same name.

Oliver has been the top of that last for seven years now.

Give it a decade and then shout Oliver in a crowded shopping mall and see the mayhem you’ll cause.

Chin up, Olivers. I know what it’s like to have a common name and if you need a shoulder to cry on just ask a Steve, like we asked the Johns before us.

I am more impressed that we have the list at all.

At the start of the lockdown many people predicted another baby boom.

If we were all stuck at home, unable to leave and only so many episodes of Tiger King available, the assumption was we’d get up to all kinds of naughty fun.

An increase in the birthrate was expected to be nine months down the line.

It looks like we were wrong.

There hasn’t been a noticeable increase in pregnancies but I saw one news story saying the number of couples applying for a divorce was double what you’d expect.

Having more time together doesn’t lead to more romance, it makes us notice what we can’t stand about someone.

People thought it would be like the baby boom of the mid-20th century but that was fuelled by men coming home from a war.

Their wives hadn’t seen them in ages and couldn’t keep their hands off them.

If they had seen their hubbies sitting around the house all day, with their unshaven faces sticking out of their food stained t-shirts, history may have been different.

It’s also worth remembering that the post-war baby boom was in a time before the pill was invented.

Even if couples passed their lockdown getting friendly it wouldn’t always make babies.

Congratulations to you if you are having a post-lockdown baby, I hope you’ll have a very happy family life.

But when you get to the school gates in a few years time listen out to how many parents call their children things like, ‘Miracle’, ‘Longshot’ or ‘Jesus’ because it must have been an immaculate conception.

Steve N Allen is a comedian and broadcaster who was raised in Sutton-in-Ashfield and currently stars in satirical news show The Mash Report on BBC2 alongside Nish Kumar, Ellie Taylor and Rachel Parris. Follow him on Twitter at @mrstevenallen.