Sutton comedy star doesn't need experts to tell him he's fat

I am fat. I know this because I calculated my body mass index (BMI).
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I then tried to work out ways that I could prove BMI to be an unreliable measure.

The classic case to mention is rugby players as their BMIs are often in the overweight range.

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But they’re athletes and I am not an athlete and if the only sports person I can compare myself to are the ones known for downing pints, it’s a pretty weak argument.

Mash Report star Steve N AllenMash Report star Steve N Allen
Mash Report star Steve N Allen

Deep down, I know it’s right.

It’s something we might be hearing more as part of the Government’s new plan to get us fitter is to tell GPs to be frank.

On that basis, our doctors should tell us, ‘you’re fat’.

I know what I’m like, I am oversensitive and I don’t take criticism well.

When my doctor tells me I am fat I will probably retort with ‘well, playing golf isn’t exactly keeping you in shape either’.

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Some people make the case that fat shaming, as it is known, isn’t going to help people.

If something makes you feel bad you might turn to food to make you feel better.

I am not sure that your doctor would be fat shaming you in this instance.

I presume your GP will only tell you the news and doctor-patient confidentiality prevents them from shouting, ‘give way for fatso’, as you leave their office.

They also won’t post it on social media.

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The only person who will know that you’ve been called out on your unhealthy size is you, so you could tell everyone in your life that you got a clean bill of health.

If the doc every tells me I’m too large I’ll report back that he said I was in great shape for a rugby player.

While I don’t agree that these actions are fat shaming, I am not convinced that it will help.

As a large chap, I can tell you that we fat people are fully aware that we are fat.

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You may think you’re bringing some new information to our attention but please remember, we see ourselves fresh out of the shower.

We know what it’s like when we bend down to tie a shoelace and feel our stomach push one of our lungs into our neck.

We were there when we had to undo our belt after winning at an all-you-can-eat buffet lunch.

They are a competition, right?

However, I'm sure the Government's scheme will work and make us all thin.

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That's as long as they're not also telling us to Eat Out To Help Out at the same time.

Steve N Allen is a comedian and broadcaster who was raised in Sutton-in-Ashfield. He stars in The Mash Report on BBC2.

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