Mash Report star is spilling blood to help beat Covid-19

Not in an emotional way – this isn’t going to be a column about my ill father again.

It is harder to type because I have just stabbed myself in finger.

I’ve taken a coronavirus antibody test.

For £70 you can see if you have already had the illness. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea.

A few months ago I could afford to splash £70 on random purchases but since the lockdown has paused my stand-up comedy career I have been making my living by performing live video shows on YouTube every Tuesday and Thursday evening at 9pm.

It’ll take approximately most of 2020 to earn that £70 back but, seeing as I am saving money on haircuts and soap, I thought I’d risk it.

Doing the test feels like you’re about to perform surgery only you don’t have to wear a mask, which is one of the few things you can do these days without wearing one.

I did mine in the kitchen.

There’s a risk that you will spill some blood everywhere, but I eat my steaks rare so my kitchen is used to it.

You have to get the blood pumping before you start.

They recommend doing a little exercise and then washing your hands in hot water.

Alright mum, I get the hint.

Filling the tube with your own blood takes a while.

As a proud midlander there’s a chance that mine is thickened with gravy, but the body doesn’t want to give it up.

You end up squeezing your finger like you’re trying to get the last bit of toothpaste out.

After a while you get used to it and the blood flows easily.

Seeing as I was in the kitchen I was tempted to squeeze out a little more blood and have a go at home-made black pudding.

It would beat the recent trend of making sourdough bread.

I posted the sample and now I nervously wait to be contacted.

It’s a similar feeling to when you’ve been flashed by a speed camera and you check the post to see if you got a fine.

Regardless of the result I will have to keep to the Government guidelines of stay in, stay alert and only go to Barnard Castle if you have to.

I’m taking the test purely out of curiosity.

If it comes back negative it will show I have successfully socially distanced but if it comes back positive it will make me feel lucky that I had a mild case.

I’ll let you know the result.

Fingers crossed – ouch.

Steve N Allen is a comedian and broadcaster who was raised in Sutton-in-Ashfield. He currently stars in The Mash Report on BBC2.